According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
