my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
