I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
