Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
