Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
