WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
