I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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