We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
