if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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