apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
