if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
