never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
