P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
