I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
