K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
