haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
