I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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