The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
