Where did you get a picture of my penis
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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