Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
