she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
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I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
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The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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