Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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