I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
