I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
