we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
