Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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