My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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