I heard we made out
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
