I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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