Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
