In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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