Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
