Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
