let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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