I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
