Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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