Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
