Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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