So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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