i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
