he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
