You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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