Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
