If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
