How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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