I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
