We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
