If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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