i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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