He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
