did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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