I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
