none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
