Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Randomize
