i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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