I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
