I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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