I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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